The Romanticization and Invisible Burden of Motherhood
I grew up hearing from many mothers, including my own, that “to be a mother is to suffer in paradise.” The phrase, attributed to the Brazilian poet Coelho Neto, was long used to romanticize motherhood, turning suffering into something almost inevitable and even virtuous within an experience that was supposed to be lived with constant gratitude. For decades, this cultural narrative helped sustain the idea that pain was simply part of the package, and that questioning it was a sign of ingratitude. In recent years, however, this problematic romanticism has begun to unravel, making space for more honest conversations about the real challenges of such a profound responsibility.
Pregnancy and motherhood are shaped by a persistent social demand that mothers should live this phase with pure joy, leaving no room for discomfort, doubt, or ambivalence. This expectation silences many women who, despite experiencing happiness and fulfillment, also feel estrangement, emptiness, or unease during pregnancy, emotions rendered unspeakable by an idealized vision of motherhood as absolute wonder. For many, pregnancy is not only a time of enhancement; it is also marked by intense bodily transformations such as nausea, pain, exhaustion, and the loss of familiar reference points in their own bodies. Discomforts that are heavy enough on their own grow even more burdensome when they cannot be named or shared. As these experiences do not align with what a mother is expected to feel, they are often endured in silence and isolation and can intensify when motherhood unfolds far from family, in a different country, without a nearby support system.
What does this mean, in practice, for many of us mothers? It means that the weight of the experience grows heavier when caregiving must be carried almost entirely alone. It is within this context that motherhood quickly introduces concepts of mental load and emotional labour, which both come as forms of invisible, repetitive, and largely unrecognized work that structure the daily lives of many mothers. Mental load involves keeping a constant network of decisions, reminders, and anticipations such as running medical appointments, sleep routines, feeding, development, safety, and household organization. Even when these tasks are not directly performed by the mother, she is often the one who bears the responsibility of thinking them through, tracking them, and coordinating them. These ongoing demands consume constant cognitive space, leaving little room for essential mental rest.
Neuroscience, “Mom Brain,” and Postpartum Mental Health
Added to this is emotional labour, which refers to the constant management of a child’s emotions, frustrations, and needs and often those of a partner. Even when there are physical breaks or some task-sharing, the worry persists, following the mother beyond her direct presence. During pregnancy and the postpartum period, mental load and emotional labour represent a deep, silent, demanding form of work that organizes motherhood from the inside out. Yet, these efforts are rarely recognized as such.
Neuroscience helps explain why this weight feels so tangible. Research shows that pregnancy and early motherhood correspond to one of the most intense periods of brain reorganization in adult life. Brain regions linked to attention, emotional regulation, and reading social cues undergo significant changes, fine-tuning the brain for the demands of caregiving. This adaptation makes mothers not only more sensitive to their baby’s needs and more vigilant to their surroundings, but also more vulnerable to overload when these demands accumulate without adequate support. In this context, the so-called “mom brain” ceases to be an individual flaw or a sign of incompetence and instead becomes understandable as the predictable effect of a mind that is constantly occupied, operating in a prolonged state of divided attention and anticipation.
This same perspective helps explain why the postpartum period is so delicate. The birth of a child triggers an abrupt drop in hormones that directly affect the brain systems responsible for mood, motivation, and emotional regulation. While mood fluctuations are common, a significant portion of mothers develop Postpartum Depression, a condition with its own distinct characteristics, linked to changes in brain areas associated with bonding, emotional response, and caregiving. Maternal suffering, therefore, is not a lack of preparedness nor individual fragility, but part of a profound biological process lived under frequently adverse conditions.
Rethinking Motherhood and Collective Support
Recent studies suggest that the effects of motherhood on the brain extend beyond the first months. Parenthood has been associated with greater long-term cognitive resilience, particularly among mothers, indicating that the complexity of caregiving, sustained attention, emotional engagement, and constant adaptation can also produce lasting transformations. These potential benefits, however, do not arise from silent sacrifice, but from the conditions under which care takes place.
Therefore, dismantling the myth that being a mother means “suffering in paradise” requires more than changing discourse. It requires recognizing that motherhood unfolds at the intersection of culture, body, and brain. When mental load and emotional labour remain invisible, maternal suffering is reduced to individual failure rather than understood as the result of a structural imbalance between what is demanded from caregivers and what is offered in return. Acknowledging this shifts the central question from “Why is this mother not coping?” to “What kind of collective support are we willing to build?” Caring for mothers is not an act of individual indulgence, but a social responsibility and an investment in the health of everyone involved.
(*) Izabel Dolhy is a Registered Psychotherapist (Q) and Clinical Director of Inner Clarity Wellness and Mental Health Clinic. Contact: [email protected].
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